I humbly suggest Monet’s dabbing and rapid brushstrokes in oil technique would have improved immeasurably had he been fortunate enough to witness the unique and beautiful patterns found in the mesmerising spray of possum urine. Certainly The Water-Lily Pond is quite good but lacks that stippled agedness only possum urine can truly achieve. Once my masters demonstrated this technique the rest was obvious. After burning the garden furniture I left some A4 outside overnight and on the morrow it was duly, nay lovingly stained. After allowing for drying time and for the overwhelming stench to fully dissipate, I scanned it, capturing its beauty forever; this will become the background layer for BW1 DN’s book cover.

If you answer to a different master, try rubbing A4 with a used Tetley teabag (“Tetley make tea bags make... paper look really old”). That looks quite good too.